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By Rachel Mitchell

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While most would not admit it, having the structure of defined household rules really helps children to feel safe and secure in their home and family. Having no set rules can leave a child feeling disorganized and wondering what will happen next, especially if their parents’ reactions have been varied in the past. Reasonable and effective rules help a child to develop healthy boundaries, confidence and self-discipline and help parents to be clear about what they expect from their children.

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If your family does not currently have a set of household rules, creating some is an important task that will bring order and peace to your home. Here we have compiled a helpful guide for how to create a list of household rules. While each family’s rules will look different, you can use these steps to help you decide what rules to include that will make sense for the ages, development and behaviors of your own children.

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1. Create rules as a family

 

If your rules are to be followed as a family, they should also be created as a family. Allowing your children to have input into the creation of the household rules will give them a sense of ownership and make them feel heard and valued.

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Not every rule that your children suggest will be appropriate, and it will probably be necessary for you to make suggestions as well, but the more input your children have, the more likely they will be to want to follow the rules.

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2. Keep it simple

 

The more rules you list, the more you will all need to remember. Having a list of rules a mile long can lead to confusion and make the children feel like they are being micromanaged. A good set of household rules will have 5-10 broad rules that will encompass most behaviors. For younger children, it is better to have as few rules as possible and as children age you may need to add a few more to address new behaviors or issues. There is no need to have rules for behaviors that your children haven’t had a problem with or that are beyond your child’s capabilities. For example, if your children are already honest, there is no reason to have a rule about lying, if lying becomes a problem as your children get older, you can always add a new rule to address it.

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3. Keep it reasonable

 

Be mindful of what is a reasonable expectation, especially for your child’s age and abilities. For example, while we would all prefer that everyone in the family be happy and kind all of the time, really think about whether that is a reasonable expectation. Are you always happy and kind? If you’re honest, the answer is likely no. Anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, these are all valid and normal feelings. If we convey the idea that these feelings are not ok to express, we are asking our children to be more mature than even we can muster, and we run the risk of forcing them to bottle up emotions which is never a good thing.

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4. Stay positive

 

While it may seem helpful to spell out the behaviors we do not want to see, listing the behaviors we do want to see is much more effective at inviting cooperation and compliance. Telling a child what not to do puts that image in their mind and is just asking them to focus on it which will lead to them repeating it, telling them what you want to see will do the same. For example, making the rule “no hitting” will keep their mind on hitting, but making the rule “use gentle hands” puts that idea in their head.

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5. Be clear

 

Ambiguous rules like “be nice” don’t address specific behaviors or explain to children what is really expected. We all want our children to be nice, but what does that really mean? It’s much more effective to be clear, concise and measurable so everyone knows what is expected of them.

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6. Rules are for everyone

 

Children learn by example, ‘do what I say and not what I do’ does not work in real life. If your children see you doing something that is against their rules, they will see it as unfair. Your children want to be like you, so model the behaviors you want them to imitate and make your rules reflect those behaviors.

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7. Make it visible

 

Especially when you are first introducing new family rules, it’s important to make sure there is always a reminder of what is expected. Posting your list of family rules where everyone can see it is a great way to keep them in everyone’s mind. If your children are young and can’t yet read, you may want to include a picture to represent each rule.

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Examples

 

Here is a sample list of rules, in the parentheses you will find some tips about how these rules apply the guidelines set out above. This is just an example, not all of the rules on this list will make sense for your family and there may be others not on this list that are necessary for your family. Use this example as a guide to start thinking about and talking with your children about the rules that will help your family to succeed.

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Example household rules:

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1. Be honest (rather than “no lying” you are inviting honesty)

2. Speak kindly (this addresses using appropriate words and appropriate volumes, it is broad and encompasses things like yelling, backtalk, swearing, etc.)

3. Use gentle hands, feet and bodies (again, focusing on the positive. Also, phrasing it in this way instead of a common rule, “keep your hands to yourself,” disambiguates positive touching like hugs from negative touching like hitting, kicking, biting, etc. It also encompasses things like walking in the house instead of running.)

4. Respect Property (again, this is broad, but clearly encompasses putting belongings away, not breaking things, not using things that are not yours, and contributing to keeping the household clean through chores/family jobs)

5. Listen to each other (this means us as parents, too! It’s important to listen to our children because when they feel heard they will be more open to listening. This rule will also encourage siblings to listen to each other and could help stave off some sibling fights)

 

For older children, it may become necessary to add rules about things like homework, behavior while at school or in public, curfew, etc.

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Conclusion

 

Defining a set of household rules will provide clear boundaries for your family. It will help you define and communicate what is expected of your children and give your children a clear understanding of those expectations.

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Does your family already have household rules? What is one rule you would like to implement in your family to help everyone succeed?

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